Another day, another guilt trip. Is no straight marriage safe?

I wake this morning to have my coffee, browse the newspaper and watch the television. All around me are more and more signs of my guilt. It’s starting to take a toll on my conscience and I wish the police would just break down the door already. Maybe I’ll just send them the address and make it easy.

Fox News, the only station that I personally think has any credibility on the air thanks to their unbiased reporting, announced to me in between my cups of java that gay marriage opponents are now saying that Judge Walker, who overturned the prop 8 ruling, is in fact gay. Although no one can find any evidence of a boyfriend or partner in his past, Fox reports that it is an “open secret” in California.

And I for one agree. If he is gay he shouldn’t have been able to make this decision. And while I’m at it, I don’t think Elena Kagan, Ruth Bader Ginsburg or Sonia Sotomayor should be allowed to rule on abortion rights because of their uteruses. And don’t even THINK about giving Clarence Thomas an equal rights bill.

Now while I support their decision to publicly out a man who refuses to admit he is one of the bad ones, I must warn them that “open secrets” are one of the many ways I corrupted the American Marriage. I mean the Vatican and Catholic Church were doing just fine protecting the American Family until I slipped a little ‘open secret’ or two about some of their priests and some young boys.

Those politicians who deny my pathetic requests for equal rights have always been straight as arrows, and if it weren’t for my stupidity in spreading these ‘open secrets’, I wouldn’t have this guilt today. I would take back the rumor I spread about Mark Foley and his little experience with the boys in the Congressional page program. I would retract my statement about Ted Haggard and those meth-addicted male prostitutes. I certainly would not have slipped Larry Craig the leg in the airport bathroom. I would have known to call a cab rather than spend the night in Glenn Murphy Jr’s hotel room.

And of course, the worst of all: I brought down the McCain Campaign. Some people criticized Sarah Palin for being his downfall. Marriage would have been just fine had I not jumped in and messed it up. For all you know, I could have been the cop that Bob Allen, Chairman of the McCain Campaign, paid 20 bucks to have sex with in a park at night. Luckily Mr. Allen defended my innocence since I’m white and he only wanted to blow the cop because the cop was “a burly black man” and he “didn’t want to become a statistic.”

But now I’m a statistic instead. I’m the few who is ruining it for the rest. I corrupted Senator McCain’s wife and daughter, who both posed for the “NO-H8” campaign. I’m the reason Johnny boy probably had to sleep on the couch, thus ruining yet another perfect marriage. Way to go James.

I just wish more people would read the bible and realize how much of a sin this is. After all, in that book there is one line that says something about a man lying with another man. Although the parts that scare me even MORE are the lines in the Bible that say I shouldn’t eat shellfish, OR wear clothes made of more than one fabric. I already knew I’d be going to hell, but now I’m SCARED. Because after I have intimate relations with my partner, I eat some shrimp scampi and then put on my leather and suede varsity jacket as I leave. As my best friend Pete would say, that is just a “Trifecta” of sin.

I’m sorry world. Tomorrow I’ll try to be a better man. Save yourselves.