GOT WIVES? Apparently, Polygamy ain't a kind of Japanese paper folding....

I do enjoy watching my Today Show, as my partner will attest to. Don't bug James before he's had at least one or two cups of coffee and seen Meredith Viera tell me what I should know for the day.

Well, recently she was interviewing the most delightful bunch, a man and his 3 wives (and soon to be 4th), stars of TLC's newest show, "Sister Wives."



Now I haven't been a dad yet, but I know my dad always had trouble shopping for Christmas gifts for JUST two kids. What was this guy thinking? You have to buy gifts for 16! So in my quest to question gay marriages being allowed, I've been thrown into the vortex that is polygamy.

Now, considering the divorce rate is eerily high, it seems odd one man would try to satisfy many wives, since MOST guys can't satisfy just the one. But, ironically, in many countries where gay men can still be put to death, polygamy is legal. You can't marry Bob, but you can marry Bob's sister aunt cousin girlfriend neighbor secretary and mother, provided none of them are packing below the equator so to speak.

So of course, now the gay marriage debate is being compared to this sector of the population. Many right-wing conservative nutjobs who shall remain nameless.. cough*glenn beck*cough cough.. are saying that if you allow gay marriages you have to allow polygamous ones too. Only two figures can fit on top of a wedding cake. It cant be two of the same character. And it definitely can't be more than two characters. Because then you'd have to make the top of the cake bigger, which would lead to society having to 'redefine' the 'definition' of a wedding cake. And that's just wrong.

So, l say let's not redefine desserts. Let's keep the INSTITUTION of a sacred wedding cake nothing but flour, sugar, some eggs and a good old fashioned straight couple holding hands and not considering how many months it will last before they become part of that divorce rate.

Oh and Mr. Brown? If i were you I'd starting looking for those Christmas toy sales now.

Nothing like a hot coffee, fresh muffin and OUTING on live tv to start the day.

What's the easiest way to go from a single country equality minister to a worldwide shocking news story? (no joke, this made headlines in the US) Out a Politician on LIVE TELEVISION! Yay for stupidity!!

Elzbieta Radziszewska, Poland's equality minister, who recently gave an interview in which she declared her belief that Catholic schools should be allowed to terminate gay and lesbian teachers, outed the gay politician on live television last week. The man, Krzysztof Smiszek, deputy president of the Polish Society of Anti-Discrimination Law, was appearing alongside her on a program at the time of the outing.

Reports AP News:

The pair were arguing about her remarks on gay teachers when Ms Radziszewska used Mr Smiszek as an example of why cases should be treated individually.

According to the Warsaw Business Journal, she said: “If, for example, Mr Smiszek, in a situation when we know that he is a member of the homosexual society and an activist for the Campaign Against Homophobia and it's no secret who his partner is…”

Ms Radziszewska was asked by the program's presenters whether she should be on the other side of the argument but she apparently said that was the way she saw it. She later apologized but said Mr Smiszek's sexual orientation could "be discovered on the internet." Because as we all know, ANYTHING you read on the internet HAS to be true, and therefore legitimate to use as factual evidence on morning television.

Well, it's no surprise that Smiszek plans to SUE the woman for every penny an equality minister makes. (And am I the only one questioning her job title after this? EQUALITY minister?) She's since been accused of homophobia. I personally accuse her of road rage. Because she was obviously driving erratically when she hit that squirrel on the highway and skinned it to make into a wig. But I digress.

“This is pure homophobia,” Smiszek told daily Gazeta Wyborcza on Tuesday. “In no other EU country would such a person still hold their post. I do not hide my sexual orientation, but it's my private business. My personal rights have been violated.”

Radziszewska has reportedly apologized to Smiszek but also stands by her previously stated bigoted opinions.

You can watch the video of the duo's appearance on the aforementioned Polish broadcast, but be warned that I was unable to find a clip with an english translation. It's still worth a gander just to see that dead squirrel.

If you don't know who she is, consider yourself BLESSED.

Did you miss me? Of course you did. And I'm sorry for the delay. But quite honestly, not much happened this week. Sure we have a sex scandal with a Georgia Pastor, an appeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell discharges, and I'm not even gonna TOUCH Christine O'Donnell. That one would just be too easy.

But there is always one person I can rely on to give me the sound-bite I need to start up my blog again for my 2 or 3 devoted readers. And her name.. Is Ann Coulter.

Now, many of you probably know her. This woman gained as much recognition for her foul mouth as Paris Hilton did for her lascivious one. Some say she's an alien. But last time I checked you had to be intelligent life to get that title.

Now, Ms. Coulter has been known to be one of the most anti-gay speakers around. This woman even called John Edwards the F-word to his face. But as of last night, she stooped to a new low, as she was invited to be the guest speaker at "Homocon," the annual ball hosted by the Gay Republican GOProud group.

I don't know WHERE to begin. First of all, GOProud? Gay Republicans? I mean that brings the phrase "Let's not think about the pink elephant in the room" into a whole new realm of interpretation. I mean I have Republican tendencies when it comes to voting on some issues, I might even be bi-curious sometimes around elections. But for the most part, it seems somewhat odd that there would be a group focused on advancing the political party that sets their own rights back. That's like going 85 on the highway and then throwing the car into reverse. (Legal disclaimer, DON'T try that just to prove my point).

And second of all, ANN F-WORD COULTER?? What happened, was Pat Buchanan not available? The man who said if you allow gay marriage, people will start marrying animals?! (although that would be nice, I would marry a duck so he could put the wedding tab on his BILL... Hi-yo!) This woman makes Sarah Palin look like Stephen Hawking. Did you NOT expect her to show up, open her fowl mouth and say something beyond reproach? Well.... guess what she did?

"Marriage is not a civil right – you’re not black. You know that gays are among the wealthiest demographic groups in the country! Blacks must be looking at the gays saying, ‘Why can’t we be oppressed like that?’”

Um.... how do you follow that act? What if the next speaker happens to be... gasp!... an African American perhaps?

So I'm guessing it's probably a good idea at this point to keep those silly gay marriages illegal. Because after all, if they weren't then the highly wealthy gay couples would infest the black neighborhoods with those shiny cars and perfectly decorated mansions, and the pink elephants would be forced to marry their partners.

Guess I'll just go find that duck.

A "STORM" is coming. And wait.... It's Raining Men?

Gays have threatened almost everything out there that the conservative side can think of. I mean let's see, I've proven how gays affect marriage, divorce, the stock market, corporations, schools, children, furry little animals, the cast of Jersey Shore, hollywood scandals, closeted Republicans.... So when I found out that gays can also affect the weather, I had to do a little digging.

The National Organization for Marriage recently has been running a 1-minute ad on television proving how those growing rainclouds on the horizon are not caused by stormfronts, easterly winds or moisture in the air. No, those clouds are the GAY approaching. Now from my experience, I can understand this logic since most gays are meteorologists, but my findings show that the big ominous clouds would probably be more of a shade of pink, or maybe mauve, in color, if they were gay clouds.

Well, just see for yourself...



Now you might think "oh James that's silly. This is just a group of paid actors (some of whom actually admitted to being gay in the auditions and were still allowed on camera) that are reading a script. I mean come on... the likelihood of it actually raining men is very slim. Unless it's a wet tshirt contest in Mykonos, the gays don't usually like to get wet.

But if you STILL don't think this threat is real.... Well, I have someone who can really put the fear in you. If you can't trust some group of unknown actors, maybe you'd trust famous ones. Watch this video, made by famous Hollywood actors, to prove just how serious this threat is....




So grab your umbrellas, folks. And please give to Jane Owens and the National Organization for Man Lady Marriage. Because if you don't, those big, dark, and fabulous clouds will just get closer and closer.

If you want the word so badly... then just take it. Leave me the rest.

After a long and well-deserved vacation to Yellowstone this week with my father, I come back to write to you all after too long away from the computer. I know you missed me. PJ did, since he asked me to write another blog entry tonight and catch up. So, I pick up where I left off.

So much happened while I was gone. The 9/11 anniversary, fires near home and afar, awful soundbites from 2010 electoral candidates, the list goes on. While driving through the mountains of Yellowstone, I was struck by the awe and beauty of the majestic mountains and endless forests, and actually had an epiphany.

Are you ready for my big and amazing epiphany? Here it is. I DON'T CARE about being granted the word marriage. I keep watching these shows and news segments about the other side saying that "we need to protect the sanctity of marriage" and that "the definition of marriage is defined as that between a man and a woman." So, I have figured out the solution to this. Give them 'the word'. That's what they want.

The divorce rate in this country is ironically the same percentage as Obama's disapproval rating. And everyday people get divorced, re-married, and divorced again. It's ironic: I am openly gay and could marry any girl on the street in an instant, JUST FOR FUN. No joke, I could do it. Then divorce her the next day and have a big laugh about once being a married straight man.

But for me to look at the one I love and just try to get basic rights, well, tough SHIT. That complete stranger I married? I could divorce her the next day and no one would bat an eye. In fact, it happens every day in Vegas. People marry, then divorce the next day cause they sober up and realize they already have a wife or husband back home. Wasn't that a Friends episode?

The opposing side wants to protect the WORD 'marriage' from being redefined. So keep it. Keep your word. Give me a civil union or domestic partnership or 'roommates for life' or whatever the hell title you want. Just let me have some basic rights you take for granted. BIG time.

Let me and my 'roommate' file for taxes together. Let us be able to raise a couple of heterosexual (or homosexual, cause who am I to judge) kids to make this world a better place. Let us live in the same country and in the same house and in no way whatsoever affect your marriage down the block from our house. And if God forbid something should happen, let us visit each other in the hospital.

And on that note, I dedicate this blog to Clay Greene of Guerneville, California. Just this year, Mr. Greene, 78, was denied admittance into the emergency room to give his last respects to his dying partner. Not only did he not get to say goodbye in person to his lifelong love, he was afterwards forced into a nursing home by social workers, who sold off most of his personal property without his consent. Despite medical declarations, powers of attorney and signed wills that named each other as spouses, Clay Greene lost everything he had, just for taking his partner to the hospital.

Welcome to America. Where I can marry and divorce a girl in the same day just for shits and giggles, but can't say goodbye to a lifetime partner because "I didn't fill out the right form." I guess it still pays to be straight. Or at least pretend to be.

Gays are threatening Marriage. Now we are threatening... Bullying?!!

We all experienced it at one time or another. That stupid meany-pants bully on the playground. And the gay community certainly took a few beatings from that bully too. But now, gays are not only threatening the sanctity of marriage. They're threatening... yup.... taking the bully away!

Now I'm a fact checker. I can't make this crap up. The group 'Focus on the Family' (named that because they didn't even want the word 'gay' in their name), is targeting the gay community, saying that anti-bullying efforts in schools "promote homosexuality in kids." So, for a teacher to intervene between a bully and a victim will automatically make that victim a raging homo. For goodness sakes, don't intervene! Let him get the gay kicked out of him.



Now as much time as I would like to devote to trying to figure out how 'cute little pictures of furry animals' promote homosexuality in public schools, I must press on.

So now I guess Target needs to start selling "No-Homo" school supplies, which have been FOTF-approved for classrooms with no fuzzy animal pictures or phallic-shaped pencils.

And this story is not just making headlines on one or two little weblogs. This got as far as CNN the other night:



So if you are a parent, for goodness sakes, sign up to be a Focus on the Family member to make sure that the gay agenda is not pushed in our schools! And if you see a cute fuzzy animal, for *&^*$ sake shoot it!

Sometimes it's Not a laughing Matter...

Did you ever ask your parents where they were the day Kennedy was shot? I did. It was for a school project in the 3rd grade. I remember it. Not where they were. I remember being amazed as a 10 year old that my dad couldn't remember the number code that unlocked his new car, but he could remember vividly where he was that day, as could my mom. Because even though it had happened decades ago, it was a brief moment in history that changed their lives. 9/11 for me, as I'm sure it was for you... was that moment.

I remember being a college freshman, walking from one of my first classes into the student center, and seeing 5 people huddled around the tv in the corner. That was at 8:50 am east coast time, only 4 minutes after the first plane had struck. Within 20 minutes, our little group of 6 had become over 100. I was in shock and simply watched on live tv around all my new friends as the 2nd tower was hit just after 9am. Then came news that a plane had crashed near Pittsburgh, not far from our college campus.

It took almost an entire day to get a cell phone connection to my parents to tell them I was alright. My friend next door in the dorm was not as lucky. He lost a father that day. I lost a vision of a world that I could embrace.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing this 9 days before the 9th anniversary. It's because in following the 2010 campaign news, I came across a certain individual who needs her 15 minutes of fame, and not in a good way.

"Homosexuals are a bigger threat than terrorism." I didn't say it. Sally Kearns did. The Oklahoma State representative. A state that is just a short day's drive from a state that legalized gay marriage. What doesn't upset me is that she was elected. What upsets me is that she is predicted to win the re-election

Insert comedic relief here courtesy of Ellen Degeneres:



But all joking aside... This is still the world we know. So you know what Sally... you're right. I killed thousands that day by deploying a gay bomb at the Twin Towers. I put a gay bomb in my shoe on a flight. I caused a gay explosion on an aircraft carrier. It was my crying, screaming and sobbing gay tears on September 11th, 2001, when I was an 18 year old boy, that led to this 7 year war.

I'm starting to finally understand why I would be denied the rights to visit my sick or even dying life partner in the hospital. Cause I'd probably just go and blow up the building.

When terrorism or other bad things happen, we don't embrace just a dad, or just a mom. We embrace a family. We hope that those phone calls get out to those we love, whether its a mom and dad, or two dads, or two moms, or even a single parent. We hope that those calls go through so we can tell the person on the other end how much we love them. And if we are on a doomed flight, we tell them how much we will miss them. So even if your beliefs don't consider the other side to be allowed to love, try going a day wondering if your loved ones are dead or alive. The true terrorism is not bombs or explosions. It's about being able to tell your loved one the last thing they need to hear.

I want to say a special thank you to all of my heterosexual friends and family that read this. It's truly amazing to have your support. And to them I dedicate this line:

"the true value of a man is how much he helps the man.... who can do him no good."

And oh yeah: Don't vote for Sally.

All of a sudden GOP stands for 'Gays On Parade'???!!!

This just cannot stand folks. The gays are now taking over the Republican Party, the last line of defense in protecting the sanctity of marriage. Just yesterday, Sam Stein of the Huffington Post reported that more and more conservatives are trying to ease up on their views of gay marriage in hopes of snagging some of the votes away from Obama, who has thus far done about jack squat on the issue. So if you can't beat 'em, then at least get their vote! Smart.

On Monday, former McCain Manager Steve Schmidt argued that there was a "strong conservative case to be made in favor of gay marriage" and that more and more Republicans are dropping their opposition to the cause." Shortly thereafter, a prominent Democratic consultant got in touch with the Huffington Post to make the case that the Obama administration risks losing the gay rights community (or at least depressing their votes) with its tepid embrace of their priorities.

Now for starters, gays and Republicans probably can't mix. God did not make elephants pink. He did however, make some democratic donkeys pink. They're called pinatas.

So now all of a sudden the Repuplicans, led partially by the newly outed RNC Chair Ken Mehlman, are taking their elephants on parade (insert Henry Mancini song here). Is there no safe haven?!! Oh wait, yes. Alaska. A land where a person who doesn't know that Africa is a continent (not a joke, look it up) can be elected Governor. As for the other 49 down below? We're in trouble here.

Now, my advice to the GOP? Let's keep this ship as straight as we can, literally. Let there me no allegations of so-called 'Gay' scandals while in office. Luckily for the GOP there have been no such perverted gay scandals yet (Barney Frank, James West, Bob Bauman, Dan Crane, Jon Hinson, Ted Haggard, Jim McGreevey, Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Bob Allen, Glenn Murphy Jr...). Let's make sure that heterosexual flag hangs high, and with no rainbows on it.

And if you need advice on what to say IF you are dealing with a gay scandal, please follow the advice of my dear good politician friends at Little Britain. Thank you.

The Sanctity of DIVORCE...

(read today's post to learn why I have this picture up..)

In my blog, as you all know, I discuss gay marriage, compare it to the inequalities of the world, and sarcastically get a point across of how ridiculous the logic is of denying a basic right. But oh, today, it gets WORSE. First, the gays can't get married. And now, the gays can't get DIVORCED! Yup. You heard me right.

Now, just to give you an idea of what we are comparing, the divorce rate in America for straight married couples is 52% for first marriages, 60% for second marriages, and 73% for third marriages. So for those about to embark on the sacred bond of a THIRD matrimony, be careful: You have a 3 out of 4 chance of that leading to a FOURTH, SACRED..... matrimony (emphasis on "sacred").

(and speaking of 'sacred', we all know the Bible has some anti-gay lines in it, but you should also read a few others... Malachi 2:16 'I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel' or perhaps Matthew 19:9 'I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.')

So, for me to marry my partner, I have to get married in Canada (the only country in the world where two gay foreigners can tie the knot), and then reside overseas, since my marriage can't be recognized both in the country I live in AND the country performing the ceremony. You can marry there, you just can't stay there.

But now, couples who no longer wish to be married can't get DIVORCED in Canada. That's right. In order for that same country to grant a divorce, at least one of the partners must have resided in Canada for a year. Now, one could apply for a six month visa and get it renewed, but probably wouldn't be able to get a job. So someone would just have to live and not work for a year just to break up their marriage.

Luckily, there is a silver lining to this story. There has now become one place in the world that will grant divorce privileges for the one country that allowed the gay privileges, even though the place that did the marriage won't do the divorce, and the place that did the divorce won't allow the marriage. (This is so good it just HAS to be fattening).

And that one place for gay divorces from Canada IS......

NEW JERSEY. That's right. When i decide to marry my partner I have to get married in Canada, live in Great Britain, and if things ever take a turn for the worst, get divorced in New Jersey.

Maybe it's for the best though. I definitely don't ever plan on getting a divorce, unlike the majority of this country that ARE divorced and trying to protect the sanctity of their failed marriages, for some reason. And considering how hard it is for me to get divorced, maybe that will be all the more reason for me to make it work.

And apparently, someone caught on before me, as you can see by the sign posted on Vinnie's Escalade in the picture above. So, DJ Pauly D, maybe you should give up spinning records and become an ordained minister in your little Jersey Shore beach house. Cause you have an entire country's worth of divorces headed your way.

Oh and Snooki? 'Sanctity' ain't a nightclub.